Like the desert misses the rain…
Spurts of happiness intermixed with a feeling that a piece of my cake has been eaten away by someone who wasn’t invited to the party. These feelings of emptiness are hard to distinguish when I’m am surrounded by a dream that I’ve had since beginning of my college career. I spend my time either trying to put my focus on not missing you but in the end I just miss you even more. Your smile, the way your eyebrow raises when I know that you feel loved, the way you sweep me off my feet and never take for granted the times we have together, the way you want to listen to me and ramble on over things you care about, that we can laugh and joke and appreciate all the clique things about a relationship together by being cheesy and making new, fun pet names for each other. I am constantly just day dreaming about lying in your bed and feeling your hand on my hip gently tickling my skin. I have loved living here and I feel like I’m getting more and more aquanted but I miss you so much. I know that I said it’s hard for me to hear that you miss me all the time and it is but now I know what it feels like to want to say it all the time. I love and hate to hear that you are having fun without me….I want to be sure that no one is replacing me. I get worried that you are going to spend all you time with a girl and she is going to be your new best friend and I will be out of the picture.
Being here is such a challenge because I want to pursue my acting career and I love putting myself out there but then I also want to just have fun and be young and I also want to be a professional and be secure…It’s just hard to determine what I want. Like what to I want with my acting career? Where do I want to go? I need money but I don’t want to serve anymore I’m sick of it but I don’t know how to get a real job….I want to be inspired and an artist but I don’t know how to start my own projects…I get really lazy and hold myself back. I need to figure out who I am and what I really want. I know that relationships and people I meet and who I affect is the most important but what falls behind that? I know I want to make a difference but I don’t know where to start. I know that I can motivate myself but I just need the right cause.
Life rant over.
One giant step for mankind (by mankind I mean me)
All moved in, all unpacked, all ready to hit the streets.
The journey here has been a whirlwind of emotions though. This journey has made my relationship with Nathan more serious and we have had to face some hard questions. The week before I left all I did was lay in his arms and snuggle his face and smile and go forehead to forehead. I cried a lot and he cried a lot and it made us confront what we are going to be someday. He said some very generous things to me. “Without a doubt I want you to be the woman I marry and to bare my children,” “I would give up a role on Broadway to run away with you and live in Traverse City with our family just as long as we are together.”
I have always questioned it from the beginning but I feel there isn’t one part of me that would ever be able to fully let go of him. He has changed me for the better and has altered my life forever. I will never find a man that appreciates every moment we get to spend together, that loves me when I’m at my worst and look my worst, that will let me cry on him and do nothing but hold me…because sometimes talking makes it worse. That loves all my flaws and looks at them as attributes. He is the most generous man and loving, caring and amazingly talented man I have ever met.
I can’t picture anyone ever taking his spot in my heart, because he fills it to the brim.
Oh this was supposed to be about Chicago….It’s good, it’s going to take some getting used too. Right now I’m a bit in limbo because I don’t have much to do so I am just exploring a little bit at a time. I don’t hate it but I still miss home…a lot. I still cry, but not as long. I love that my friends are still texting me a ton so helps me from feeling completely lonely. Yesterday I explored Wicker Park/Bucktown and got 3 new plays at a used book shop called Myopic Books. Then I drank an Earl Grey tea and a coffee shop whilst reading the new plays. Then as I was heading back to my car a woman approached me to receive a free shampoo and blow dry and we talked and I feel like it was nice to finally meet someone and enjoy a conversation with. She gave me her friends phone number who is an actor, which I thought was very nice of her and a bit strange…but hey makin friends. Tomorrow I might go all the way downtown..depending on the weather. But I need to start making money soon! This city is expensive. All in all I’m glad I’m here and hopefully positive things will happen while I’m here.
I don’t know about you but I’m feeling 22
Happy, free, confused and lonely is exactly how I feel. Yesterday my mood swing were on a new level. Iwent from being so thankful and blessed to feeliing like my world was falling apart. I am so scared to move on but yet I feel like I will finally feel like I’m making moves to accomplish my goals. I couldn’t stop sobbing…1. because I am going to miss being in my mans arms and seeing him whenever I get the chance. I am a very hands on person and I don’t want our relationship to diminish because we can’t be in person all the time. 2. I kept thinking that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore because I’m not doing important things and I seem to struggle finding success and it comes naturally for him. 3. I am scared to be alone, the feeling of being lonely triggers my mind to sink into a deep hole where everything snowballs into negative thoughts. I have confidence in myself, I know that I can adapt but I can’t fight these thoughts when I’m all alone at night. 4. I am anal about being financially secure and I am worried that I am going to struggle because my bills will be almost 3x what they are now.
I have faith that everything will be fine but I just let these negative thoughts consume me and I can’t get over them. I work best when I am busy and although I have been working a lot this summer I have also been very bored and let myself become lazy and I need to pull of of this rut. I need to focus on the things that make me positive and creative and inspired. It’s been forever since I felt like starting a project. I need to focus on the bigger picture and cherish the people I have in my life and the qualities that I bring to the world instead of looking at the things that I lack. Only I can live my life. I am ready for the challenge but I’m scared for the change it is going to bring. Life will always bring trials and tribulations but how you deal with them is what will make you grow the most. I need to surround myself with positive and upbeat creative people so that I can start to change my mind set.
22 is going to bring me so many changes and changes are good. Don’t lose sight of who you love and what you love. The things I am most excited about is meeting people and seeing their impact on the world and how the world reacts to them.
So many questionables in my life right now.
Every breath I take is making me think whether I did my life right.
I have such a passion for being accepted and full of purpose and yet I lay in bed and sleep until 12 and think of all the reasons I am not capable of accomplishing the things I want in my life. I feel like my life has been unproductive because I am constantly rethinking my every move. Should I be with him? Should I break up with him and just face the facts that weren’t not meant for each other? Did I already lose my soul mate? Did I make the right carreer choice? Why am I even moving at all when I have things and opportunities here that I can create. Why am I so biter toward people at school and that they like Nathan? Is it because I was always outcasted like I never fit in…I always felt like people were annoyed by me or that no cared to what I had to say…that I was some dumb girl from up north and everyone made fun of me becasue of that. but I am intellegent and can hold a coversation and I am fun but no one cared about me…..I got so biter today because Nathan would not stop tallking about how all these people at school think he is amazing and talented and nice and good looking…it made me soo mad so I just shut down and stopped talking to him. It’s like he was rubbing it my face that people like him and no one liked me. I know that wasn’t his motive but thats what it feels like. I have a serious problem with comparing myself to others. All I keep thinking about is how he should be with someone like that because he obvisouly more intrigued about talking about how everyone loved him rather than having a real coversation with me…I felt like I am just being used like we fucked and then he told all these stories and when I tried to talk he didn’t give to shits about what I had to say. I feel like I am just a doll there for amusment and to boost his ego. I want to have intelligent coversations instead of just talking about people..I want to discuss ideas and gain knowledge rather than just feeling jealous because of the stories you tell me. I fell scared that I am going to get to Chicago and feel so alone that I won’t do anything…that I’ll be too scared to put myself out there. Or even worse I’ll put myself out there and no one will like me. I’m scared to go through my life alone. The last couple of days has been a prime example of me losing a part of myself. One: I laid in bed all day and watched tv even though I totally felt guilty about it and I could’ve been doing things to better myself. Two: I encourage guys to flirt with me and I flirt with them back because I am thriving for attention…even though it not the kind of attention I want at all. Three: I have been thinking back to school and realized that the only way I have changed is that now I am more cold toward people and biter about peoples accomplishments and shut down more easily because I don’t want to talk to anyone. College has really changed me for the worse…I forgot what it is like to have fun and accept people…it’s like I want people to like me by me thinking I am too cool..but I learned that from everyone else and I just followed..I am truly a follower and I hate it. I will never be the person people want to listen to. It’s so ironic that when Nathan is having a good week I am having a shitty one. I hate this part of my life….I fell so depressed all the time and I don’t know how to deal with it. I never thought I would experiance depression but I def. know what it is now and I feel so helpless like no one can help me. If I tell my mom she will just say cheer up..but it’s not that easy. And same with Nathan or he will try to care bt he really doesn’t…I love hime soo much but I don’t know if it is for the right reasons. He is my best friend but he is never really there for me he always wants to talk about himself no matter what. I just want to be over this stage of my life…I just want to feel happy and joy and the grace of god.
I am so grateful for the life I have to live. I met with my old roommate Kathryn tonight and it meant so much to me that we can still get together and talk about our lives and where we are and where we want to go. I miss her so much. The way we would just wake up and see each other and the way she would greet me in the morning with a big smile like that day was the going to be the best day ever. I miss her. I miss her inspiring me to work out and be more and achieve more. She is so smart and is so level headed and yet knows how to have a great time. I miss all my roommates. I know that some of them would get on my nerves but I ultimately miss them so much. They are my best friends and they know me so well and we all stick together even when we are a part. Plus, it crazy to think that I am so forever grateful that Nathan was so presistant with me and never gave up because we do work well together and he is my best friend and my lover that I never stop wanting and he knows me the best. Sometimes I think he knows me more than I know myself. I love him with all of my heart and I don’t really know how this long distance is going to work but I am willing to try because I think it’s worth it. I love everything about him from his quirkiness of liking comic books and video games to the smile he gives me when staring longingly into my eyes. I am just so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life and I think that means enough. I am really excited to move to Chicago and see what that is like but I am really just happy with living the simple life and loving the people I have around me. God is Great. Amen.
Lets make it work
Holding his hand while walking through the damp, dark forest not knowing where are true destination is but you know that it doesn’t really matter as long as he doesn’t let go. Lingering just a tad longer after that midnight kiss that set your heart a flame and he knows all the right ways to ignite your soul. The breath that is exchanged between our lips, after we both forget that breathing exist, says so many delicate words about our love for each other.
Playing ball, running, going through the smallest town ever while we exchange endless laughs and inside jokes that no one could ever possibly understand makes me realize that it would be hard to live without you. In our car ride to unfolded your origami swan of a heart to me and told me your fears about me leaving. Just hearing you say that and seeing the tears well up cracked me like a hammer to a window. I couldn’t help but let tears fall from my face while listening to the life you pictured but I became speechless. I am worried that it gave to the opposite impression that I was honestly feeling. It’s a bit ironic that this topic was in discussion because, no joke, it felt like every time I would stare into your eyes and we would both smile as if we both had a secret but the real secret was that I don’t want to lose you and I can’t picture not having you in my life. You fill all of my gaps and are my other half…no matter how clique.
Tomorrow I will do more.
Tomorrow I will be more.
I want to be what I envision so I can stop dwelling on what I haven’t become.
The Power of Now. I want to live my life as such. To get in the mindset of if I think it I must do it and make it happen and stop letting 3rd parties dictate my future.
If I want to only eat clean and ban junk food then I must stick by that and be proud of my decision and not let anything get in the way of that…including myself.
It is time that I start believing in something and showing it through my actions.
Lately I have lost all my morals and things that I pride myself in. I haven’t been much of a hard worker, or healthy, or following my religious beliefs. I’ve sacrificed a part of myself to fit in, or because it is the easy way.
Whoever said life was easy…I want to discover new things, new ideas, new hobbies, new recipes, new places, new people.
If I met 1 new person a week and learned something new from each person or took something away from how they live their life I would be enlightened with so many new experiences and hear others thoughts which in return trigger my thoughts.
The other day a guy named Jimmy was talking to me about time, I kinda disregarded him but anyway…he was saying that time is only relative because we make it relative. If we didn’t have a number system we wouldn’t have clocks and if we didn’t have clocks time wouldn’t matter and we would measure our days through a different medium. Time is only what we were taught but what if we literally measured our days by moments or by the number of times we blinked. Would our lives be completely different or would they just adjust slightly?
The world amazes me and I never want to talk it for granted. I never want to stop learning and expanding my mind, body and soul.
To sit an ponder the little things.
The things that combined make up an entire day.
The song that entered my head and replayed while I dreamt trying to fill a void from reality. “If you are a piece of me, I wish that I could see …If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?”
To feel more comfort in my dreams than I do in my life is a topic worth pondering.
Does God really have me in the exact place that he wants me right now?
Will coffee ever get any better than it is this very morning?
Should I put on lipstick?
Will it be a nice day out making me very angry because I have to spend the entire day in a building serving chicken wings to insatiable people.
Will I feel the presence of God today?
Oh you know, the little things. Small yet hefty thoughts.
I want to take in more of people. To really understand the nature and difference in qualities of people. They intrigue me to say the least.
Well great coffee talk.
The world can be a vast and scary place..and I am still searching for how I fit in this complex. I have a passion to ignite life into others..but I seem to keep missing my opportunity. It can also be difficult when I’m trying to find my passion in my own life. I sit and ponder what to do first and the clock keeps ticking away and then my day flies by leaving me feel hopeless and scared that I’m holding myself back from various opportunities. I know what I love but I can’t seem to convice my body to go and find those things. My fears and others have dictated what I want and I have lost control of the things that matter to me. I know I am strong but why would I let others push me down? Is it instant satisfaction? Is it easier to give others what they want rather than doing what I want? All I want is to live fully and feel accomplished and comfortable…but what do those things mean to me. They are such specific words with such vague meanings. I want someone to turn to me and say “you have taught me so much and I admire your work” . I want to make others happy and excited about life. I want to feel secure in making money and not to feel like I can’t do activities because I don’t have any money. I want to surround myself with people that I can laugh and share innocent, honest moments with. I feel lost within myself to make these things happen. I want Nathan but I also don’t want him. I feel like he holds me back but he also is the one person that I feel completly confident with. I also feel to comfortable with him and that is hindering our realtionship…sometimes I feel like I say mean things because we are that honest with each other and I should feel ok with hurting him to make myself happy that is not healthy. It’s selfish and self absorbed. I enjoy his company but also feel compelled to be by myself when he is here…like I could be doing something better…thats not healthy, i should want to spent my time with him, but I also would miss having someone to talk to, to help me feel not so alone. I have a strong fear of being alone in the world with no one to share life with and a fear of rejection and then not having someone there to help put me back together. This is such a weird period in my life..I feel so much modivation and yet I don’t want to do anything. I’m scared and excited at the same time. I want to put my worries on God but I also feel the need to control them and create my own plan..but secretly I have no plan at all. I want to throw in my towel and also conquer the world all at the same time. my mind is conflicted and I don’t know where to start.
I want to stay connected, I want secerety and warm of a body next to mine. Nothing beats the butterflies you give me from touching my skin, or the passion that lies between us in bed but I know that if I don’t do it now then I will regret it later to not have just gotten it done and over with. To have a summer of singleness to live free and by my own will. I am such a libra where it takes me so long to decipher what is the best decision. To put each thought on a scale and try to weight them in my mind but it literally is betweent heart and mind and who will win…so far it has been mind but my heart is aching so much. I have cried everyday since the breakup becasue I am still in love with him but I just can’t see myself being with him in the future and thats where my minds interuups. But am I doing the same thing that I did with Alex? Where I shut him out of my life even though I love him and then regret it later becasue it was the best love I have ever had. I told Nathan straight to his face that I could only picture myself with Alex and not him….and that is completly true, but he is the only person I have ever been completely honest with and ever has opened up to him on so many levels and he still loved me no matter what. But I do feel like I have depended on men for too long and I just need time to myself to have fun and figure out what I love to do and what I pride myself in. I always have to share myself with someone else and at this moment in time I miss being able to tell my best friend every minute of my day and for him to be intrigued. I am going through a rough patch…I texted him today and he didn’t respond…I feel so lame, I need someone to want me at all times or I don’t feel satisfied with myself.. I played a table tonight a work and I made them like me and then they ended up giving me their number. I thrive on that…I need to know how to top that feeling because I doubt I will get that in NH. I will use this time to relearn who I am.. I don’t need a man to tell me that. I am strong and determined that I will grow from this experiance, even though I do just want one more breakup sex to happen because I am so horny. lol. and its only been a week.